Feeling Trapped?

As I stepped on the elevator today, I thought to myself, "I hope I make it back in time and the next session has not started yet." I was at CltWordCamp, a conference type of event that focuses squarely on everything WordPress because I am going to be starting two new blogs over the next year and wanted to learn more about WordPress.org. We had just finished a meet and greet and were given a 15 minute break before the start of the next event. Knowing there would be some networking opportunities later, I ignored my bladder and ran to the car to grab some business cards.

On the assent to the third floor I suddenly realized my journey was taking significantly longer than it should have. None of the buttons were lit. "Ah ha!" I thought. "I had simply forgotten to press the button." After pressing all of the buttons, I realized I was not going anywhere. Prying the doors open revealed that I was lodged between the 2nd and 3rd floors as indicated by the numbers painted on the concrete slab outside the door. I could see that I had less than a foot of clearance to look out over the third floor.
After pressing the alarm button to no avail, I raised my phone to the small opening and got enough signal to text Andy Denton that I was stuck. Within a a minute or two I could hear Andy and a few others outside the door. Jason Silverstein and Steve Gunn showed up and let me know they were going to be getting help. They stuck around and provided me with a copy of the Charlotte Observer and The Eye to keep me occupied.
During my time in the elevator I spent my time whistling The Girl From Ipanema and briefly started to sing Aerosmith's "Love in an Elevator" before realizing how wildly inappropriate it was given my present company of no one. I did a few sets of push ups and joked around with the people outside the door. I think they were more nervous about my situation than I was.
As the seminar broke for lunch, the maintenance crew found they were able to pry the doors open wide enough so I could get some cooler air. I now had a one foot slot where people could stop by and take pictures (which have been contributed here). I was also fed pizza and salad through my small hole to the outside world.
I set out my business cards for Peer In Counseling Center and shouted things at passersby such as, "Do you feel trapped in life like I am trapped in this elevator? Then give me a call and let's talk!" and "Trapped in a loveless relationship is no better than being trapped in an elevator. Call me and let's get your relationship back on the tracks!"
After nearly an hour an half they were finally able to hand crank the elevator to the next floor and I was set free. I felt like a puppy that has been in the kennel all day. I didn't know who to talk to first, or if I should eat, or perhaps go pee (which, by this point I definitely regretted putting off).
I eventually gave my thanks, told a few more jokes about the situation, and went to slam back a few slices of pizza before the seminar started again. By the time I finally sat back down, my reputation had reached epic proportions. I was given a new name tag and for the rest of the day was known as "Elevator Man" or "The Elevator Guy." All in all I had a ton of fun with it, used it as an opportunity for networking and meeting some great folks, and even did a little marketing. Lisa Hoffmann would be proud.
So the next time you are "trapped," whether it be in a job, relationship, or elevator, keep in mind that it is what you make out of it and it can actually turn into a great experience.

Random Thoughts

Updated October 22, 2008
Worry is one of the biggest things that keeps people awake at night. Not me though. I have far to many other random thoughts in my head to have any room for worry at night. I have often wondered if there is some device in my pillow that is activated by the static electricity in my hair and causes my brain to start sprinting. To help me get to sleep faster I have begun jotting down some of the thoughts that enter my mind. Anything legible in the morning (I am writing in the dark) is going to start ending up in the blog. So keep up with this one because it will be constantly updated. And because I like to keep things interactive, if there are any ideas you want me to flesh out, let me know and I might create a new blog based on your suggestion.
So here are my random (good, bad, and what the...?) thoughts:

• Hope is a tricky thing. Too much of it leaves you blind. Too little of it leaves you dead.
• How are cockroaches suppossed to survive a nuclear blast when they can't survive the bottom of my shoe?
  
• There are few things worse than somebody you haven't seen in a while asking you what you have been up to and you respond "nothing much." It is actually worse if that is true.
• Bear cubs are one of the cutest animals alive until their mother mauls your face off.
• Saying "sneeze" while actually sneezing is a messy idea.
• Life would be better if people had to suck helium right before they got into an argument. I think arguments would end pretty quickly if everybody had to yell at each other while sounding like a chipmunk. Who could not laugh?
• Never start a good book late at night just to pique your curiosity.
• I found out I can make it out of bed, through the shower, teeth brushed and to work (which is a 10 to 15 minute drive away) in exactly 26 minutes. Better not to ask how I found out or how it was done.
• If you are supposed to keep your friends close and your enemies closer, then where do you keep the people you sort of like?
• It is very disturbing to me that the ice at Sonic and Zaxby's does not melt.
• People say don't sweat the small stuff. The small stuff is the only thing I want to be sweating. My pores are too small to sweat the big and medium stuff.
• A lot of liberals claim Fox is to biased with a conservative slant. A lot of conservatives claim CNN, MSNBC, CBS, and ABC are too biased with a liberal slant. I say both camps need to shut up because they have all been reporting about Anna Nicole Smith and Brittney Spears for three flippin' weeks straight.
• If money grew on trees I would still be broke. Gosh darn urban sprawl.
• Why are best friends so hard to make and/or keep after college?
• If someone steals you identity, and you find and kill them, is it murder or suicide? I mean technically you are taking yourself of the records.
• Am I really considering resorting to E-Harmony? Has it come to this?
• Do vegans breast feed their babies?
• If a donkey mated with nine kittens...ah forget it that concept is just asinine.
• Is it sad that I learned to identify Classical music composers from my cell phone ring tones?
• Why are bed sheets more comfortable in the morning than they are at night?
• Why do protesters for peace always look so angry? (oooo I feel a huge rant coming on.)
• Can/do women pee in the shower like a man can/does? (rhetorical question, don't want answers)
• Do you ever think to yourself (or out loud) how people first decided to see if something was edible? (ex. oysters, another animal's milk, eggs, potatoes, etc.)

That is all for now, but stay tuned. Good or bad, I am sure there will be more.

25 Going On 80

My aging began last night. I prepared for the next day and had set my alarm to wake up early so I could go running. I even told my friend that I had to sign off the internet so I could get my 40-winks in. I went to bed feeling healthy and excited that I had motivated myself to turn in so early.

At some ungodly hour I woke up and felt a cramp in my foot. I changed my sleeping position and went back to dreamland. When I woke up at my scheduled time to go running my little cramp had turned into intense pain. I knew a) I would not be running b) I needed find a podiatrist to see me before the closing bell. I found one to see me in the afternoon so I limped to work. Work sucked because not only was I in pain but now all my co-workers wanted the skinny on what happened. "Rhino stepped on me" was popular substitute for "I'm not just gritting my teeth in pain so take a hint and buzz off." Advice: offer to get a hurt person a cup of water or find a way to help before you get a good story. It is more likely to come off like you care.

I hobbled into the doctor's office (you know it is bad when an elderly man offers you his walker. I promise I did not make that up), flirted with the 40+ year old nurses, made jokes with the doctor, and found out I have Gout. Mmm fun. For some reason reminds me of tiling. Got a prescription for arthritis medicine, left the doctor, blamed my parents for bad genetics and the worlds problems, picked up lunch. When I got home I found that I could use my golf putter as a cane. Sat around with my feet propped up trying to decide if I was too hot or too cold.

Eventually I mustered up the strength to run to the drug store using my new found putter-cane to walk around. I found it would only take 10-minutes to get my order filled so how did I kill the time? Blood pressure machine. Got my meds and complained about prescription drug costs. I somehow eased my way into my car and leaned over the steering wheel to take pressure off my foot.

When I got home I reflected on how I had aged. Pain, flirting with 40-year olds to make me feel young, taking arthritis medicine, used a cane, checked my blood pressure while waiting for a prescription, and then leaned over the steering wheel while driving. So while I am 25 I had the behaviors, mannerisms, and aches of an 80 year old and the maturity of a ten year old. I think the only thing I did not do was make a grilled cheese sandwich and yell at the raucous youth. Can't wait to see what tomorrow brings.

My Journey to Hell (aka the Mall)

I should start this off by saying that on an average year I only visit the mall once. And that one time is either spent buying a Christmas gift for my mom or taking care of turning in cable/internet components. In both cases I have looked online, pulled up a mall map and planed my trip out to avoid minimal parking lot traffic, perfume counters, and teenie boppers.

Last week one of my friends bought me a gift certificate to a designer shoe store for my graduation. I sorely needed a pair of brown shoes and Wal-mart did not have anything (yes, sadly I looked there first). While the gift was really nice and thoughtful it has recently thrown my life into a materialistic free fall. With the exception of a pair of jeans, a pair of khakis, some socks, and some underwear, I have pretty much avoided buying new clothes for roughly five years.

This weekend my roommate dragged me to the mall to look at some shoes I could get and see if there was anything he wanted. It was ok. At least I had a guide. The kid has some good fashion sense (and if you stand next to him long enough he will tell you all about it). I feel bad for the guy because I don't reflect him well with my simple wear (probably actually magnify him a bit). I found some shoes I like but even with the gift certificate I would still have to shell out some big bucks and I wanted to sleep on it. Matt found some designer jeans.

Today when I got off work I was thinking about getting some coffee but was too worn down for caffeine so I got the idea to go get those shoes I had checked out. I had the pants I normally wear to work so I could make sure they went together. I went tot the mall. By myself. On the way into the parking lot the two cars in front of me nearly killed each other as one wasn't paying attention turning in, the other swerved around and nearly took out an entire median. I was alive. So far so good.

I quickly found the shoe store (mapped it) and asked to try on the shoes I had found over the weekend. Uh oh. While the shoes looked great and went well with the coloring in my pants, my pants were to short and could not be let out. So if I bought the shoes, I would need new pants. My roommate has also put me in the mentality of if I get the shoes I have to get some shirts to complement them.

So I sadly returned the shoes to the box and began to go to try to find some pants. Lesson one: malls are expensive. Lesson two: the longer you stay in one, the longer you want to dress like the pale motionless folks who willingly stand in a store window.

I went around to a few stores starting with department stores because I figured I could knock out a few items at once and they would be cheaper (myth). To begin with, to get to the men's section (oddly placed at the back) I had to walk through the dreaded perfume/make-up counters. I felt saddened as I passed woman after woman being smeared with paint looking more like Ms. Potato Head than Marilyn Monroe.

On my journey to one store I passed a girl giving out samples. I kindly refused thinking she was offering food, which my expanding gut did not need in a building of skinny people. She quickly put down the tray and wanted to ask me a question. Hoping it was trivia (because I love that type of stuff) I foolishly agreed. She asked if I took care of my hands. Thinking it a strange question and not quite catching the cut of her jib I informed her that I was clearly a male, poorly dressed (so not gay or metro), and like camping, so conclusively not. She took my hand and began scrubbing one of my fingers with some spongy thing. She then began to tell me about ridges causing broken nails (never been a problem) and dead cuticle skin (nothing teeth can't solve). Before I knew what had happened she had finished her speech and I could see my reflection in my nail. She then began to ask about my face and began to walk away fearing I was going to get make-up put on me next.

I eventually got out of the mall after being there almost an hour and half which is one hour and 28 minutes longer than I have ever been in a mall by myself before. The end result: no shoes, a new need for pants and shirts, lowered self esteem, and one finger nail that looks ready to go to prom. Oye Vey!