COEXIST...grrrrrrrrrrr

It seems the latest car fashion is to affix a bumper sticker with various religious symbols managing to spell out the word "COEXIST." There are a lot of things that disturb me about this trend. I will start with the least of my worries and move to the stuff that is just driving me nuts.

It appears that these bumper stickers and their owners are taking a shot across the bow of organized religion. I do not have a problem with that. I can only speak for Christianity, but religion could use a good shake up because they have become to fastened to rules that are not explicitly spelled out while forgetting the two major rules that are: Love God, Love your neighbor. But here is my problem: These people seem to suggest that people of faith are failing to get along. I don't see the average Christian punching a Muslim while waiting in line for a movie, or a Jew keying a car that has a Jesus fish on it, or Buddhist running a cattle farm next to a Hindu temple. Don't get me wrong, I am well enlightened to the problems in the Middle East, Islamo-Fascists, wackos (I refuse to associate these pricks as Christians) protesting military funerals and other things organized religion is doing to hurt people. However, unless you want to take your little Toyota Prius and drive it around Saudi Arabia, Israel/Palestine, or Kansas, your peaceful protest is doing jack squat.

But I think the real thing that bothers me is the self-righteous hypocrisy of it all. A good percentage of these well-to-do folks seem to have other items plastered to their car that do not indicate they are willing to co-exist. I have seen so many cars with the COEXIST sticker and a Darwin fish. A daggum Darwin Fish! What is wrong with that? Well first, I admittedly think Darwin's theory has been shown to come short and should still be considered theory instead of fact (just to let you know my perspective). I think the people who have them are wrong but entitled to their beliefs just like people of every faith are. However, the Darwin fish is deliberately antagonistic. It basically is a mockery of the Jesus fish, a known Christian symbol. Now I am not one who is offended by many things or even this particular issue. I just think it is retarded to tell others to COEXIST while you are essentially deliberately giving the middle finger to Christianity specifically as well as a belief in creationism, a view widely held by many of the same religions you are telling to get along.

Other ridiculous items I have seen on the same cars as COEXIST: bumper stickers suggesting meat eaters should be confined, tortured, and shot; stickers calling for the death, yes death, of President Bush; support for Hamas - a known terrorist group openly bent on the destruction of the Jews; and a bumper sticker saying "Now that I'm born, I'm pro-choice" (I disagree with the statement but it is clever).

All I am saying is that if you are going to suggest or demand that religions get along, even though you most likely have not a taken a good look at why they theological disagree, you should at least represent yourself as one who is willing to get along with other people instead of trying to antagonize them with your other hateful, although not religious, messages.

EDIT: I understand this might come across as a bit harsh and it does not help that tone is difficult to convey in print. However, I assure you that I am not upset and would not attempt to scratch one of these silly bumper stickers off. But if you stop and think about it, you certainly have to chuckle at the irony of it all.

Updated Status

So much has happened since my previous post. I fully intended to post something by the end of the year and then forgot how hectic the Christmas season can be. Since last posting, I moved out of my apartment after living there for about two-and-a-half years. Our lease ended and my roommate decided he had never lived by himself and wanted the opportunity to. Don't worry we are still great friends and may end up living together towards the end of the year. In January I moved in with this guy and it turned out to be a real hassle. It was apparent from the get go that he was not as prepared as he thought to have a roommate and after three weeks he finally disclosed this and asked me to leave. I will be out by the end of this month although as of today, I am not 100-percent where (although I have some promising leads). I think it will be for the best because I have never had a roommate who was so ignorant to his own selfishness. I don't hate the guy, he is just young and a product of his immaturity which I am confident he will grow out of, as most people do, and will develop into a great guy. I just caught him at a bad time and at this point and I am not going to extend myself to be cordial after the hassle he has created in my life at a time when I have been in great need of rest.
I am very anxious to move on in life and am having trouble being patient. I want to buy a house that I can be responsible for and do home repairs, I want to get a dog for companionship and to keep me entertained, and I would like to meet my wife (admittedly for the same reason as the dog but on a much deeper level haha). God is constantly shining insight into my life and I am struggling to keep up with all he is trying to teach me about myself, His love and grace, and what He is trying to use me for.
On another note, and the reason for my last teaser: I finally got a Counseling job! I am still working at my old job (though I was promoted to a much better position in September) but I hope to make a full transition into Counseling and teaching by the end of the year. I am working to build my clientel base but it is slow going. By the way you can find my new Counseling Center here.
Also, while I will intermingle personal tidbits on here from time to time, I want to get back to my original purpose for this blog and that is to share thoughts and discussions. So please feel free to interact with responses and ideas. Hope to here from y'all soon.

25 Going On 80

My aging began last night. I prepared for the next day and had set my alarm to wake up early so I could go running. I even told my friend that I had to sign off the internet so I could get my 40-winks in. I went to bed feeling healthy and excited that I had motivated myself to turn in so early.

At some ungodly hour I woke up and felt a cramp in my foot. I changed my sleeping position and went back to dreamland. When I woke up at my scheduled time to go running my little cramp had turned into intense pain. I knew a) I would not be running b) I needed find a podiatrist to see me before the closing bell. I found one to see me in the afternoon so I limped to work. Work sucked because not only was I in pain but now all my co-workers wanted the skinny on what happened. "Rhino stepped on me" was popular substitute for "I'm not just gritting my teeth in pain so take a hint and buzz off." Advice: offer to get a hurt person a cup of water or find a way to help before you get a good story. It is more likely to come off like you care.

I hobbled into the doctor's office (you know it is bad when an elderly man offers you his walker. I promise I did not make that up), flirted with the 40+ year old nurses, made jokes with the doctor, and found out I have Gout. Mmm fun. For some reason reminds me of tiling. Got a prescription for arthritis medicine, left the doctor, blamed my parents for bad genetics and the worlds problems, picked up lunch. When I got home I found that I could use my golf putter as a cane. Sat around with my feet propped up trying to decide if I was too hot or too cold.

Eventually I mustered up the strength to run to the drug store using my new found putter-cane to walk around. I found it would only take 10-minutes to get my order filled so how did I kill the time? Blood pressure machine. Got my meds and complained about prescription drug costs. I somehow eased my way into my car and leaned over the steering wheel to take pressure off my foot.

When I got home I reflected on how I had aged. Pain, flirting with 40-year olds to make me feel young, taking arthritis medicine, used a cane, checked my blood pressure while waiting for a prescription, and then leaned over the steering wheel while driving. So while I am 25 I had the behaviors, mannerisms, and aches of an 80 year old and the maturity of a ten year old. I think the only thing I did not do was make a grilled cheese sandwich and yell at the raucous youth. Can't wait to see what tomorrow brings.

Nightline: Atheism vs. Theism

Recently there was televised debate between Atheists and Christians on ABC's Nightline. It was very worth while watching. You can catch the debate in broken up segments at: http://abcnews.go.com/Video/playerIndex

I think both sides made very good and well thought out points. I think both sides failed to directly answer the questions or arguments posed to them and both sides failed the other to respond effectively. While I think Ray Comfort and Kirk Cameron are well meaning and good hearted individuals, I do not think they were the best for a scientific debate on God but at least they rose to the challenge and I do think their love of Christ was shown compassionately and not fundementally.

If you have read my blogs before you know I think atheism is the most foolish venture because absence of proof is not proof of absence and I have had an experiential relationship with the living God.

That being said, my heart was broken by the attitudes of the atheists making the arguments and the people in the crowd. Kelly violently chose the possibility of Hell over the possibility of one day with a "megalomaniac" for a God. Now I understand Kelly could speak that in ignorance because a lack of belief in God is also a lack of belief in Satan. But she said that statement when asked what would happen if she was theoretically wrong. If she bought into the theory of there actually being a God and Satan, why would one chose to reject God in favor of Satan. She spoke of injustices attributed to God but if God is a "megalomaniac" and called good how much worse is Satan? Why ever choose him?

I was hurt even more by the mocking and jeers from audience members. I was not hurt because I was offended or I found it rude, I was hurt because I know they are lost and broken and the one thing that can pull them out is the one thing they reject.

power. Biochemist Michael Atheists put so much stock into re-workable scientific theories and tend to believe that Earth and life was created out of a succession of remarkable chances. However, the random probability of life being simply born out of chance requires a lot more faith than belief in God. Mathematically, for one protein molecule to randomly form is a chance of one in 10 to the 65thBehe said that the possibility of linking together enough amino acids properly to create just one of many protein molecules to sustain life would be comparable to asking a blindfolded man to find one marked grain of sand in the Sahara Desert. Three separate times.*

I don't know exactly why atheists are atheists. Perhaps it is because they have been so hurt or wounded that they do not want to believe there is a god that allowed something to happen to them. Perhaps they are so turned off by the admittedly messed up system religion has become. Perhaps they are like I was and do not want to believe a god is holding them accountable for the actions they know are wrong. But I do not think it is safe for any atheist to say that science out rules the chance of there being a creator and God.

I am not a great debater or an expert but if you have any questions please feel free to ask them and I will do my best to answer them. Grace and Peace.

*http://www.leaderu.com/orgs/fte/darwinism/chapter6.html

Dr. Lock?

I have had ambitions to get to get my PhD or PsyD for quite a while. Back in January I received my MA in Counseling and swore I would not being going back to school for a really long time. The list of things I want to do before 30 is quit extensive and truthfully getting a PhD or PsyD was not on there. I wanted to get married or turn 30 before embarking on that small adventure.

But recently I have grown discontent with my current situation. I am still working at the ethical complaint call center I was at in grad school while looking for my first paid counseling job. Because I am not doing any counseling I cannot make any great strides towards getting licensed and because I am not licensed it makes it more difficult to get a counseling job. I am single, so marriage is not in the real near future. Furthermore, over half of the books I read now pertain to some aspect of counseling or psychology.

As a result of where I am in life, I have begun to seriously take a look into going back to school and get my doctorate. I have started to look at various programs as well as talked to people who have recently completed their doctorate or are currently working on it. If I wanted to get started, I probably couldn't until Fall 2008.

Part of my motivation to get my doctorate right now is that I am really not doing anything else so I might as well be making pathways in my future. But I am torn. Part of me believes I am running away from the current hum drum of my life to something that would at least keep me busy. I think I should try to get some more work experience and make headway into my career before going back to school. The other part of me worries that if I wait, I will miss out on a window opportunity and later on in life I will want to get my PhD or wish I had it. Unfortunately I may be at a point in life that does not give me the time or resources to complete my degree.

I think it is going to be a crap shoot either way and at some point I have to roll the dice. I would be interested to get your thoughts. I am not looking for you to direct my life but maybe to just hit me with some thoughts I currently can't conjure up.

Planet Earth

If you have not been made aware, the Discovery Channel started an eleven episode series called 'Planet Earth.' Take note, it comes on Sundays at 8:00 pm. It is quite possibly the most amazing nature show I have ever seen in my life. Just a quick plug.

Watching the show reminded of how often I forget to see God's majesty in the little things. To my knowledge, the show was not created by Christians or with any sort of religious angle but I could not watch it and not think about God.

One of the first thing the show points out is how perfectly the planet is placed in the universe. It is not to close to the sun, where we might be using a lot more sunscreen, and it is not to far away, where we would have to robe ourselves in a dead Yeti to stay warm. Perfectly placed. Because God had a plan for this planet. Of all the other planets in our universe, there is no other sign of life and yet here on Earth we find it abundantly.

Romans 1:20 says "For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities - His eternal power and divine nature - have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse.

I think people may still be permitted to argue about the nuances of religious thought but I look at the world around me; the perfect placement of Earth, the cycle of life in the seasons, the tiny formed micro organisms and cells that build and maintain life; and I say, how can one not find reason to believe there is a creator who orchestrated all of this?

May you, in your search, find Him. The Author of Life.

Go USA!

Over the weekend I had bunch of random thoughts that would would take too long for you to follow but the end result was how much the face of America has changed and is portrayed in American cinema.

I am a proud child of the 80's which was a decade full of terrible fashion, worse haircuts, and the dawn of the computer age. But one thing the 80's was also fraught with was the Cold War. Now I was very young and at the time did not understand the dynamics of it but I do know this: Russia and the Soviet Union were some bad mama jamas who Reagan helped to instill national pride for America by showing how much better we were and how many more nukes we had.

You can find no better time capsule of this than in American movies where you had movies like Red Dawn, Rocky IV, Invasion USA, Rambo III and others. In Red Dawn America is invaded by the Commies from the USSR and Cuba. A group of Colorado teenagers flee to the mountains and like the Maccabees of Judea, rained hell fire in the form of guerrilla warfare. In Rocky IV the Italian Stallion Rocky Balboa takes on an entire country by fighting their biggest baddest dude and pounding the sickle out of him. Lil' Stallone takes down the towering Dolph Lundren and conquers the hearts of the Soviets. Invasion USA has the Russians once again blindsiding our borders and Chuck Norris (chucknorrisfacts.com) takes them down one by one ending with shooting a rocket up the bunghole of the evil mastermind. Do I need to explain Rambo III? Insert Rambo into a Communist Regime, people die. The end result, if the Soviets try anything, America will still lay the boot to their A. We saw a threat and faced it head on.

Today is a different story. We are in a whole new fight. A deadlier one that has already seen American casualties in both civilian and military sectors. But there is not a movie in recent years I can think of where a hero goes ape-sh-t on a bunch of Muslim terrorists. The closest thing we have is Jack Bauer in 24 and even that tiptoes. Instead we have movies showing how it is all America's fault so we should hang our head in shame and instead of fighting to defend our way of life we should instead learn to understand them.

Right about now there are so many rants I could go on but I don't want to go so political here just yet (a hint though, political correctness has run amok). My point of this is that I believe America has lost its pride in itself. Instead of banding together, we are so divided. My question for anyone who want to play along it this: What do you think America needs to do to become the jewel of our eye and the pride of our hearts? Are you already there? What is the furthest you would go to defend it if you had to?

Welcome/Update

Welcome to my new blog. If you are looking over to the right and notice it looks like a long web page, please do not be intimidated. I transferred my previous blogs onto here from myspace.com only recently, this way you do not need any sort of account to engage in my blog. So take your time and enjoy.

To begin with I did not start this blog with the intention of having a spot for any sort of egotistical rant. Rather I hope that if nothing else you will stay updated on my life or thoughts, make comments, and in turn I can make stay up with you. I hope it will be a chance to share thoughts and ideas with people you have never met as you read their comments. I hope it will create a small community (as you will soon see is a running theme in my blogs). So I highly encourage you to post any thoughts you have with anything that is on here or that gets posted in the future.

I think my last major update went out about two and a half years ago. After that if you were not living in Charlotte I probably for the most part lost touch with you. So I will quickly bring you up to speed:

The reason why I have been out of touch for the last little bit is because I got hid over the head with a major task called grad school. On January 12, 2007, I graduated from Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary with a MA in Christian Counseling (don't let the label fool you, I am just as qualified to psycho-analyze you if you believe in Shiva, Allah, or nothing at all). And for those keeping record at home I am officially MasterLock.

I completed my degree a full semester faster than most people do on a fast track at a school where the average age was 35. I also did it while graduating Cum Laude (3.63). I do not say all that to congratulate myself, but with the exception of my Eagle Scout Award, it is my proudest accomplishment to date.

And that was pretty much all I have done in the last two and a half years. During that time I did various internships, worked at Department of Social Services (insert political commentary and expletives here), and bottomed out on my finances and energy twice. Now I am looking for a job doing counseling hopefully with Marriage and Families or with adolescence. When I find that job, I will work on getting licensed in the state I am working in. I am looking, so if you know anyone...

I am still single, no kids, I don't think I have any nieces or nephews. My parents moved out of Atlanta after 17 years and are now living in New Bern, North Carolina as the proud owners of an AAMCO franchise.

Please check back in regularly as I hope to get at least a blog out each week with an update or my thoughts on something. I like to pretend I am the know-all to end-all so please humble me with your own thoughts on anything I might talk about. I know human personality will be discussed but I hope to get some controversial ideas out just get conversation stimulated. Also if you have any ideas, shoot me an email and I will try to post my thoughts.

The idea here is to journey deeper, not just into my thoughts but below the surface, to draw each other out like water from a well.

Hope to hear from you soon.

Self-Help, Self-Sized Hole

Yesterday I found myself perusing the aisles of my local bookstore. I decided to wander over to the Psychology section of the book store to see if there were any new books I wanted to check out to advance my learning now that I am no longer required to anymore. Not surprisingly, the Psychology section is right next to the Self-Help section. As I browsed through my section and then moved onto to other more entertaining sections in the store, my gaze was constantly drawn back to the Self-Help aisle and I watched person after person pick up various books.

The Self-Help section is a curious thing in itself. On the shelves one can find help on anything from dating to weight loss to counseling to becoming better leader, lover, friend, or parent. Each author claims to be at the forefront of the field and many boast a PhD. There are so many troubling things here I don't even know where to begin.

I should start by saying that nobody is beyond the Self-Help section and almost everyone has bought a book from there or took advice from someone who got it from there. But who are we trusting to tell us how to lead our lives. John Gray? For those unfamiliar with this class act, he wrote Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. I know some of you are thinking that I should shut up because his book sold over a million copies. P.T. Barnum has been quoted as saying, "there is a sucker born every minute." John Gray is metaphor spitting crackpot who I would not be surprised to learn may have ruined more marriages than he saved. Have you read his junk? I have. His big break down of marriages is that they are in trouble simply because men and women communicate differently, which as true as it is, does not set the bedrock for improving a failing marriage. He has taken a good concept and turned it into the end-all to be-all. And that PhD that give him credibility is from a school that you get your PhD through the mail by writing a paper. Little Billy in the third grade could get his PhD from there. And John Gray is just one example in the Self-Help section. If he is at the top, think about what else you are reading from there.

Despite my critical analysis of the credibility of the Self-Help books, I think my problem with them goes deeper. I think my problem with Self-Help books is that they are made available to someone with a legitimate hurt or need and convinces them that their book is the solution. I kid you not when I tell you that I once met someone who was reading a book on leadership because people did not listen to him. The book was giving him advice on asserting himself and creative ways to present himself. The problem was if you were around the guy for more than two seconds you would find him to be bossy and over assertive. He did not know how to lead people because he was listening to a book instead of the people who needed him to be a leader.

Which actually brings me to my next point. Self-Help books imply that you can do it yourself and you don't need any help from the people you interact with on a daily basis. But that is not how God created us to be. God created us to be relational, community oriented people. In the Scriptures, God is the ultimate source of counsel and counseling. But God also places people in our lives to convey a message. Whether it is a message of hope, inspiration, leadership, purpose, or goals God will give you answers directly or through someone else. I cannot stress how important I believe community is to healthy functioning. Even if community consists of one other person in your life, it is better than being alone with an author who does not know your past and proclivities. We have been trained like Pavlovian dogs to turn away from community in times of despair instead of allowing community to embrace us. We have become embarrassed to show weakness and insecure in our selves. But God and community are the very things that have the chance to set us free in our struggles

So in closing, put down the book. It does not know you and has created a blanket answer that does not take your specific circumstances into account. Instead of running to the Self-Help section, take a moment, humble yourself, and realize you were not meant to journey through this life alone. Pick up the phone and call a friend, or email someone you trust. Share your struggle with them and listen to what they have to say. Hit a wall with one friend? Try another. Just don't give up. Talking to people builds up the community and support. Try getting the author of that book to call you once a week to see how you are doing. And if you run out of personal resources or are not getting the help you need, get some counseling. Most Counselors are trained to help you lead a better life and aid you through the tough circumstances you are dealing with.

My prayer for you:
May God be your source of comfort and peace. May He direct you in your ways and place the people in your life to be wise sages. May He provide you the answers in your searches or the contentment when you are not ready for the answer. May He guide you to fulfillment in Him and give you a restful heart. Amen.

My Journey to Hell (aka the Mall)

I should start this off by saying that on an average year I only visit the mall once. And that one time is either spent buying a Christmas gift for my mom or taking care of turning in cable/internet components. In both cases I have looked online, pulled up a mall map and planed my trip out to avoid minimal parking lot traffic, perfume counters, and teenie boppers.

Last week one of my friends bought me a gift certificate to a designer shoe store for my graduation. I sorely needed a pair of brown shoes and Wal-mart did not have anything (yes, sadly I looked there first). While the gift was really nice and thoughtful it has recently thrown my life into a materialistic free fall. With the exception of a pair of jeans, a pair of khakis, some socks, and some underwear, I have pretty much avoided buying new clothes for roughly five years.

This weekend my roommate dragged me to the mall to look at some shoes I could get and see if there was anything he wanted. It was ok. At least I had a guide. The kid has some good fashion sense (and if you stand next to him long enough he will tell you all about it). I feel bad for the guy because I don't reflect him well with my simple wear (probably actually magnify him a bit). I found some shoes I like but even with the gift certificate I would still have to shell out some big bucks and I wanted to sleep on it. Matt found some designer jeans.

Today when I got off work I was thinking about getting some coffee but was too worn down for caffeine so I got the idea to go get those shoes I had checked out. I had the pants I normally wear to work so I could make sure they went together. I went tot the mall. By myself. On the way into the parking lot the two cars in front of me nearly killed each other as one wasn't paying attention turning in, the other swerved around and nearly took out an entire median. I was alive. So far so good.

I quickly found the shoe store (mapped it) and asked to try on the shoes I had found over the weekend. Uh oh. While the shoes looked great and went well with the coloring in my pants, my pants were to short and could not be let out. So if I bought the shoes, I would need new pants. My roommate has also put me in the mentality of if I get the shoes I have to get some shirts to complement them.

So I sadly returned the shoes to the box and began to go to try to find some pants. Lesson one: malls are expensive. Lesson two: the longer you stay in one, the longer you want to dress like the pale motionless folks who willingly stand in a store window.

I went around to a few stores starting with department stores because I figured I could knock out a few items at once and they would be cheaper (myth). To begin with, to get to the men's section (oddly placed at the back) I had to walk through the dreaded perfume/make-up counters. I felt saddened as I passed woman after woman being smeared with paint looking more like Ms. Potato Head than Marilyn Monroe.

On my journey to one store I passed a girl giving out samples. I kindly refused thinking she was offering food, which my expanding gut did not need in a building of skinny people. She quickly put down the tray and wanted to ask me a question. Hoping it was trivia (because I love that type of stuff) I foolishly agreed. She asked if I took care of my hands. Thinking it a strange question and not quite catching the cut of her jib I informed her that I was clearly a male, poorly dressed (so not gay or metro), and like camping, so conclusively not. She took my hand and began scrubbing one of my fingers with some spongy thing. She then began to tell me about ridges causing broken nails (never been a problem) and dead cuticle skin (nothing teeth can't solve). Before I knew what had happened she had finished her speech and I could see my reflection in my nail. She then began to ask about my face and began to walk away fearing I was going to get make-up put on me next.

I eventually got out of the mall after being there almost an hour and half which is one hour and 28 minutes longer than I have ever been in a mall by myself before. The end result: no shoes, a new need for pants and shirts, lowered self esteem, and one finger nail that looks ready to go to prom. Oye Vey!

The Story of the Disapearing Klock

There have been a lot of people who I have not been in contact with over the past few weeks and months. Some of you have sent messages and I have yet to respond and some of you I have in the past kept up with on here in the past but have been really bad about checking in.

The reason why is because things here are a lil' nuts right now. I am currently preparing for the most difficult 57 days I have had to endure. Why 57? Because that is how many days I have left to get all of my work turned in for graduation. If I do not have all my work complete by December 15th, 2006, I cannot officially graduate until May 2007. If I do not graduate until May then that is five months I have to sit on my duff doing nothing while in the meantime I cannot prepare or get hours to count towards state licensure or apply for jobs under the pretense of having my Masters.

So what do I have to complete before December 15? Well, I am glad you asked. I currently have to read a minimum of 4 1/2 assigned books plus whatever books I need for my research paper. I have to write a 20 page research paper on Calvinism vs. Armenianism, write an 8 page opinion paper on the importance of the quest for the historical Jesus, write 4 book reviews on books I have read, and prepare for and take 4 exams. This is surprisingly the easy part. I really do not think I will miss the deadline there and am not really too stressed out about it.
The difficult part comes in that I have to complete 85 face-to-face counseling hours in addition to roughly 60 administrative hours. 85 hours is going to be tough to drum up while the 60 should be no problem. It has taken me 48 days to get 35 face-to-face hours so this not going to be a small feat. I am working with various other counselors to get clients or sit in on sessions, which will count for my face-to-face hours, but I still need 85 of them.

Meanwhile I am doing all of this while working a full-time job because I have to qualify for benefits so I can get my aching neck and back looked at. I also have to provide for myself because my parents moved and are in absolute chaos and pandemonium. So quitting my job is not an option because my parents (who I don't like to rely on for money anyways) said even if they wanted to, they could not bail me out financially if I get in trouble.

So to recap: lots of school work, lots of internship hours, full-time job, and coo-coo parents.

I say all that to say I am sorry for not keeping up but it is only going to get worse until December 15th so I would appreciate your prayers and support. And while I may only get limited chances to respond, I still appreciate reading messages. Please check in on December 15th to see if I made it or not. It will be an exciting guessing game and I highly encourage placing your bets in Vegas now.

Ta-ta for now,
Kevin

Quarter-Life Crisis

The other day I turned 25. You can read my other blog (Blowin out the Candles) to get a little more insight. This is a two-parter though they can be read in any order.

I am currently undergoing a little quarter-life crisis. I know that there are some folks on here that are older than me who have been through it or are still dealing with some of the issues I am going to share but just because you went through it, doesnt make it any easier on me.

I have been going to school straight for 19 years now from kindergarten through my second, and last year of grad school. I have not had time to slow down. K-12 I was forced to go. But shortly after becoming a Christian, God laid my purpose before me and I have been gunning for it ever since. I will hopefully be done in December with my MA in Counseling. 19 ½ years of school will be complete and I dont anticipate going for my PhD in the near future. It has been a long tough road and many, many sacrifices have been made a long the way. But the end is site. However, issues now arise as to what I do when I get done. Do I take a break? Do I move? What is out there for me?

I am also not spiritually where I would like to be. I suppose I will always desire to be in deeper relationship with Jesus. But I dont get to my Bible as often as I desire to. I dont memorize Scripture verses very well. I often feel stuck in my prayer and devotional life. And I have an all around desire to serve God with my gifts more that I have been. I wish that I can be a better witness.

As I spoke in my other blog, I have been missing out on good community for a good little while and I am craving to get it back in my life. But I am kind of stuck. There are people along the way that I have met who are good people but I am not going to trust them with my core which I believe to be essential for good community. They have said or done things that have sent up red flags all over the place that make me not want to share a lot of personal stuff with them because they either are gossipers, or they only give advice, or the worst being those who in more-or-less words tell me that I shouldnt be feeling what I am feeling or completely negate my feelings (a. screw them, b. hopefully you are not them). So I shoot myself in the foot and dont develop community.

Another big (actually huge) issue is my relationship with women, or lack there of. My friends know the back story and consequently my excuses. I am not going to broadcast them out there but know that they are there and if you are interested you can ask me at anytime. Like I said, I am an open book. Friends that know about everything and havent been in touch for a while, it would be worth getting an update as reflection night brought on some new revelations.

As I approached 25 I could feel the dread coming on knowing that there were so many things I wanted to do and had not yet done. And yet I still could not find a way to get to them. I swear if I am at the same place at 30 I am joining a monastery or shooting myself. I suppose part of the dilemma is that I imagined myself being at a very different place by 25. I thought I would be more successful in what I was doing, married, thinner, and in a better groove. Instead my body is battered with one injury after another, my mind is shot from all the reading I have done and still have to do, I am single (see the above paragraph), I have been in school so not earning great income, and my emotions are neglected.

There is so much more that I could add but I am getting drained. I think I need to temper my expectations in a lot of areas so that I will not be as disappointed at 30 as I am at 25. God has blessed me so much and often times I feel as if I take His blessings and never use them.

Blowin’ out the Candles

The other day I turned 25. The problem with this blog is that I don't know where to go from here because there is so much to say at once. I have to divide it up into two blogs.

Since my move to Charlotte I think I have been missing the community I had in college. I crave community. I was talking to my best friend the other day and he knows and understands my hurt. I have been living here two years now and do not have anyone I could call a close confidant or friend. I have friends (and for my Charlotte friends, know I love you deeply) but I doubt if polled any of them could say that they truly know me intimately like my college brothers did in half the time. Perhaps part of that is a failing on my part. Perhaps I haven't pressed people as much as I should have to get to know them or perhaps because I am working on counseling, every time I have tried to get to know someone they feel like they are getting psychoanalyzed (trust me, I much too lazy for that) and distance themselves. But ask my friends, I am an open book. Ask and I share.

This lack of community became apparent as I celebrated my 25th birthday in a Caribou, by myself, with a school book and then went home and sat on my porch for reflection as I stared at the woods behind my apartment. I am not a big flash and dance guy and long ago gave up on the importance of my birthday passing my 16th, 18th, and 21st with little more than a check from Grandma to remind me. It became so unimportant that I actually did forget my birthday one year until my mom reminded me that night. It has become just another typical day. The past two years I have gone to work, come home, done some things around the apartment or read and then went to bed. I want to stop my harping for a minute and thank everyone who sent me a myspace or facebook message and hope that I individually thanked each one of you. I think my biggest issue is that when I already feel like I am missing out on community and craving it, the depths of my despair becomes amplified by the silent phone and the stillness of the woods as I was reflecting. That is in addition to my quarter-life crisis (see Quarter-Life Crisis blog). I think sometimes it is nice to feel celebrated and because I try not to be a selfish person, my birthday is the only day I would even see it as appropriate for me.

I hope after reading this you (as the reader) are not feeling like I am angry or that you should feel pity. That is not what I am trying to evoke. Sure it saddens me. But I am not angry. I suppose more than anything, I want to be bare before you and let know a little bit more of me. And here is the beautiful part, the redeeming factor in this blog. As alone as I felt last week, I was not alone at all. Jesus Christ loves me. And I do not say that passively or go through some sort of verbal yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean I really know that He loves me and though life may not turn out as I would wish it too, He has spared me from so much additional hurt and sorrow and has filled my life abundantly. He puts people in just the right spot at just the right time. My joy rests in Him even when I feel down or unimportant. I hope that if He is not at your center that you will make Him so. Live for and crave this joy in Him. If you are unsure of how, please talk with me or a group of committed believers who will love you while they talk to you.

It is in His Grace and Peace and Love I hope you reside.

Wonderous Mystery

It is a shame that we do not remember being infants. Think of the joy of remembering our first steps or forming our first real word or sentence that made sense. I would love to feel that astonishment and joy. Or to discover little things for the first time that we take for granted today like what dirt feels like, or what a dog looks like, or a plane flying.

I first thought of this about a year ago when a friend's child was first learning to talk. I was holding him and he looked at the sky and suddenly got really excited shrieking "plane! plane!' And I couldn't understand at first why he was so excited. I wrote my thoughts down on a post it note and re-discovered it last night and it holds just as much for me today as it did then. I began to think that part of our problem today is that we are no longer amazed by much in the world around us.

Our faith can be like that sometimes and we get further and further from our date of salvation we can often forget what it was like to be truly lost and then to learn bit by bit who God was and how forgiven we are.

Or speaking to the non-believer (some believers too): we become so enmeshed into our world that we no longer have the chance to step back and be surprised. Everything that we want explained has either been explained by someone or dumbed down for us so we don't have to spend much time thinking about anything. But I would confess that very little has been explained. Take for example your elbow. Most people can bend it back and forth without much effort. It takes little thought and the movement is so fluid that it seems to just happen. Now some scientist out there could discuss the firing of neural synapses that leads to muscle contraction which allows for the bone to rotate. But how did those unrelated things become connected? How did we suddenly know how to bend our elbow? Why, with all the technology that we have today, has that fluid movement not been replicated in a non-biological creation or even those biological manifestations that humans have made? Think about it a bit and then ask is there another answer. Is there a God who encourages us not to take a simple answer but to ask questions and in return, sometimes be left with no answer but just amazement?

Today, go out and re-capture your infancy. Look at the world in new ways and ask "why" and "how." But most of all, allow the thought that you might never know. Go and be amazed again.

First Time

The other day I was doing a favor for a friend of mine. He is a mid-high youth minister and is taking his 6th grade students on a retreat this weekend. I went with him to pick up the vans so that he could get them back to the church. After dropping off the vans he turns to me and says, "Kevin I need one more favor out of you. I need somebody to fill in for me on Sunday morning back here at the church."

Oh wow!

Basically after the early morning service I have to take the 7th and 8th grade students, whom I have never met before, and conduct youth group for them. Now the good thing is I was given a topic. I am going to be using this Nooma video (if you have never seen these, they are 15 minute topical vignettes and are really cool and well produced) and then build a discussion and lesson about forgiveness.

I have often thought about one day doing youth ministry in some capacity but with graduate school, I have never had the time to even volunteer. So here I am getting ready to lead youth group for the very first time with 35-70 kids that I have never met before. I typically don't have a problem with public speaking but I am nervous as all get out.

Future Plans

In December of 2006 I will be graduating with my MA in Counseling. People have told me over and over again the biggest regret that they have had was that they never did anything big when they were done with school so I have been thinking about doing something. I am still young, healthy and currently not in a a relationship. What will I do? Probably nothing. I will work on getting a job and moving to wherever, becoming another person with regrets.
However some ideas that I have been kicking around (all have certain conditions):

Idea number 1:
This is the big one. I have been thinking about doing it for at least two months. The conditions are that I need the money, my shoulders need to be healthy, and I need a TON of planning.
I would like to hike from Charlotte to Seattle. Why Seattle? Well my best friend Mike lives out there for one so it is a place to go. I would depart Charlotte and hike. No hitch-hiking, no highways, all backroads, and no hotels (unless it is an emergency). I would hike as far as I could each day and when I was getting tired I would stop at someones house and ask if I could pitch a tent on their property and re-charge my phone in their house. I would also be filming a documentary so I would have a video camera and interview each person that let me stay. It would be a great view across America. I would get some quality time with God and always have a story.

Idea number 2:
Conditions would be purely financial and would help if someone would go with me. Go visit another country and tour around for a little bit or even live in another country for a little while. Not sure exactly where. Definatly not England because I have relatives there and have been there enough. Maybe India, I really like the stuff I have seen about that country and am often intrigued by the culture. It seems like a really neat place.

Idea number 3:
Go on staff with Campus Crusade for Christ. I really like college ministry. However not growing up in a Christian home did not leave me with an extended list of people that I could comfortably go to and ask for support. Plus I am terrible about asking other people for money. I always feel bad about doing it. I don't even ask my parents for money.

Idea number 4:
Conditions are acceptance and money. I would go and get my doctorate in Psychology or Counseling. If I could go to Stanford or University of Washington and get my PhD under Irvin Yalom or John Gottman I would do it in a heartbeat. Both are very liberal schools but I think I could choke it down to learn under them. Both are in cool cities and I could have my PhD before the age of 29.

I would love any feedback. More ideas may come but I told Mike today that on a scale of 1-10 with 1 = joking, and 10 = 100% doing it, I am currently about a 6-7 doing idea number one. If all three of the earlier mentioned conditions were met, weather permitting, I would leave on the morning of Jan 1, 2007

New Territory

Well I finally I did it! I left my job at The Department of Social Services! After working there a few days shy of a year I turned in my two week notice, used a week of built up vacation time, and today was my last day. It was kinda of sad/neat to see a little of the impact I was able to have on people. I have seen people leave before me without much fanfare but my team brought breakfast for me, some folks I eat lunch with got me a huge cake, and people talked all day about how much they were going to miss me and how I made the day go by easier with my good sense of humor. I don't say that to toot my own horn, I was just really honored and humbled because folks don't usually tell me that type of stuff to my face.

Now what next? Well the primary reason I left was because I have a really tough semester in my graduate program and so I am going to scrape by and concentrate on school and hopefully an internship. I need to do some part time work and have a possibility lined up getting people free estimates for gutters and siding. The pay is really good but I feel a little uncomfortable about the idea. Another possibility is window washing and power washing driveways and such. My best friend introduced me to this idea while I was in Seattle and I spoke with his boss about what it would take. It is feasible there has been enough interest from co-workers that I might be able to jump on it. (By the way thanks Mike to you and Courtney for such a great time and great hospitality, really, I'm indebted).

I guess it is a little scary right now. I know God has my best interest and this is only temporary (unless business really takes off washing). But I have lost steady income and healthcare in one swoop. My parents said that if I get in a jam they will help out. However I don't want it to come to this for two reasons: first I HATE taking money/gifts from other people. I just feel awful doing it and is something I have had a hard time getting over. The second reason is that if I accept the money then I have accepted failure. I succeed in most things I do and all though this is completely new, I don't want to say I couldn't cut it.