Monday, August 21, 2006

Quarter-Life Crisis

The other day I turned 25. You can read my other blog (Blowin out the Candles) to get a little more insight. This is a two-parter though they can be read in any order.

I am currently undergoing a little quarter-life crisis. I know that there are some folks on here that are older than me who have been through it or are still dealing with some of the issues I am going to share but just because you went through it, doesnt make it any easier on me.

I have been going to school straight for 19 years now from kindergarten through my second, and last year of grad school. I have not had time to slow down. K-12 I was forced to go. But shortly after becoming a Christian, God laid my purpose before me and I have been gunning for it ever since. I will hopefully be done in December with my MA in Counseling. 19 ½ years of school will be complete and I dont anticipate going for my PhD in the near future. It has been a long tough road and many, many sacrifices have been made a long the way. But the end is site. However, issues now arise as to what I do when I get done. Do I take a break? Do I move? What is out there for me?

I am also not spiritually where I would like to be. I suppose I will always desire to be in deeper relationship with Jesus. But I dont get to my Bible as often as I desire to. I dont memorize Scripture verses very well. I often feel stuck in my prayer and devotional life. And I have an all around desire to serve God with my gifts more that I have been. I wish that I can be a better witness.

As I spoke in my other blog, I have been missing out on good community for a good little while and I am craving to get it back in my life. But I am kind of stuck. There are people along the way that I have met who are good people but I am not going to trust them with my core which I believe to be essential for good community. They have said or done things that have sent up red flags all over the place that make me not want to share a lot of personal stuff with them because they either are gossipers, or they only give advice, or the worst being those who in more-or-less words tell me that I shouldnt be feeling what I am feeling or completely negate my feelings (a. screw them, b. hopefully you are not them). So I shoot myself in the foot and dont develop community.

Another big (actually huge) issue is my relationship with women, or lack there of. My friends know the back story and consequently my excuses. I am not going to broadcast them out there but know that they are there and if you are interested you can ask me at anytime. Like I said, I am an open book. Friends that know about everything and havent been in touch for a while, it would be worth getting an update as reflection night brought on some new revelations.

As I approached 25 I could feel the dread coming on knowing that there were so many things I wanted to do and had not yet done. And yet I still could not find a way to get to them. I swear if I am at the same place at 30 I am joining a monastery or shooting myself. I suppose part of the dilemma is that I imagined myself being at a very different place by 25. I thought I would be more successful in what I was doing, married, thinner, and in a better groove. Instead my body is battered with one injury after another, my mind is shot from all the reading I have done and still have to do, I am single (see the above paragraph), I have been in school so not earning great income, and my emotions are neglected.

There is so much more that I could add but I am getting drained. I think I need to temper my expectations in a lot of areas so that I will not be as disappointed at 30 as I am at 25. God has blessed me so much and often times I feel as if I take His blessings and never use them.

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